The trees are all the wrong size here...

They are large and terrifying. Not a single live oak, ashe juniper, or loblolly in sight. In fact, most of the flora and fauna of this strange land look alien and bizarre. I bought a book: Trees of Illinois by Ms. Linda Kershaw. I feel fairly certain we have two Sugar Elms and one White Pine growing near our balcony. I'll try to learn the local trees and post pictures soon. 

As soon as we get our lives in order. The apartment currently looks like Galveston after the 1900 storm.

Aine and I picked up another book during our latest trek to Barnes and Noble. Haunting Illinois: A Tourist's Guide to the Weird & Wild Places of the Prairie State by Mr. Michael Kleen. Hopefully, I'll have something to report on this soon.

I intend for this blog to be a rough sketch of the adventures of a Texas boy among the Illinoiances and Corn Fields. This next bit, though, isn't specific to Illinois: it's of a more universal nature, but still pertinent to the move.

We wanted to set up super duper high speed internet so Aine could watch reruns of Dawson's Creek on Netflix Streaming while I move PDFs around all day. We chose AT&T because they are a good, old-fashioned American company like Coca Cola or Ford and we're as patriotic as the next couple. Also, we already had cell phones with AT&T (formerly Cingular, formerly Houston Wireless) and thought it would be swell to have everything on one bill. Little did we suspect, it was all bullshit.

The timeline runs thusly:

1. We spend some time online, choosing the perfect build-your-own-bundle-phone-and-internet-package for us. We place the order and sit back satisfied that we have made positive changes in our lives. We choose Self Installation so we wouldn't have to wait during a twelve hour window for some mouth breather to come and plug the cord into the wall for us.

2. I get an email informing me that the technician would come to sometime between 8am and 8pm on July 5th to install the phone for us. I get an additional email offering condolences that, for reasons too clandestine to explain over insecure connections, we would not be able to combine the bills. We would receive one for cell phones and a second for home phone and internet.

3. I call AT&T. Let me tell you about calling AT&T. You spend fifteen minutes entering your account information into a touch tone phone and navigating verbal menus so they can decide the best way to service you. Then you hold for an additional twenty minutes. The best hold music they can find is a forty five second loop. You start to get twitchy. The government should contract to AT&T to interrogate detainees at Guantanamo. When you finally hear a human voice again, they ask you for your account information and how can we help you today. You give them the information (again) and explain in explicit detail the nature of your query. They decide they can't help you and maybe they should transfer you to a different department. Twenty more minutes on hold. Forty five second loop. Twitches. The second department answers the phone. They ask you for your account information and how can we help you today.

4. The guy tells me the bills can't be combined because the cell phones and home phone/internet are based in two different regions. Fine. He says a technician has to come out for the home phone because he just has to, you know? That's the way it's done. Also, the internet can't be activated until after the technician has personally tested our phone lines. Fine. He assures me the technician will come sometime between 8am and 8pm on July 6th. I tell him we would be on the road and he moved the date back to the 9th with Internet set to be activated (and the $100 dollar internet box to be delivered on) the 12th. Fine.

5. In the meantime, I get 27 different emails from AT&T about my new services.

6. The night of the 8th. I get a phone call from a strange number. Hi, he says, I'm from AT&T with an issue on your order. Give me your account information and four digit pin so I can tell you what the issue is. I say, hells nah, bro, you called me. You'll get my personal information when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. He says fine, call back at our 1800 number.

7. I call AT&T. See #3.

8. The girl tells me the due date on our service request has been set to December 31, 2036 and is that correct. No, I say, can you fix it? She says, yes. Super, I say, the guy for the phone is coming out tomorrow and the box and internet are Thursday? She says, yes. Awesome blossom.

9. Monday the 9th. I get up before 8am, ready for a technician to install my phone line. And I wait. And I wait. By 6:30pm, the aforementioned technician still hasn't arrived. I call AT&T. See #3. Twitches.

10. I ask the young lady that finally answers, is the guy still coming or what? She says, no. I say, no? She says, no. She says, it looks like the request for phone service was cancelled on the 5th. I say, what can you do about it? She says, nothing, I'm in Santa Fe, New Mexico. You'll have to call tomorrow. Thanks.

11. Tuesday the 10th. I check the (now) 42 emails from AT&T regarding my new services. Nothing about cancelled phone. I did get a shipping confirmation for my $100 box that I need to hook up internet. Complete with UPS tracking number. Intrigued, I go to UPS to track the package. Delivered. July 5th. To somewhere in Savoy, Illinois.

12. I call AT&T. See #3. Full body twitches.

13. The fourth person I speak to works for Sales. He is happy to resend the $100 box. He'll just fix the problem of the address and all will be well. Super. Can you help me with this phone issue? No, that's Customer Service. I'll connect you. He hangs up on me.

13. I call AT&T again. See #3. Writhing on the floor.

14. The second person I speak to is very sorry to hear about my difficulties and wants to make everything right. He can reinstate my phone request and send someone out on Wednesday between 8am and 8pm. Fantastic. Where are you sending the aforementioned technician, I ask. Savoy, he says. I'm not in Savoy: the guy in Sales said he fixed the address. No, he says, it looks like the guy in Sales only changed the shipping address, not the service request address. Can you fix it? I ask. No, he says, I'll have to transfer you to Sales. And they can fix it? I ask. No, he says, they will have to completely cancel all your orders and create new orders for phone and internet, let me transfer you.

15. On hold for 15 minutes. Forty five second loop. Calm and lucid.

16. The girl that answers actually sounds hurt when I tell her I want to cancel all services.