Cold Weather Kills Brain Cells

Four degrees Fahrenheit this morning. Wind chill dropped the temperature well into the negative numbers. It's pointless to keep track of anything below twenty. Below twenty is like over a hundred in Texas. Degrees no longer matter. Outdoors is a world of pain.

We've made it halfway through Week Three of P90X. We have brought it. We have done our best and have forgotten the rest. We are ready for Week Four, the Recovery Week, which will occupy us with core exercises, yoga, and stretching. No jumping around doing plyometrics and no violating the laws of gravity with cast iron dumbells. I believe God created gravity to keep dumbells on the ground. Lifting them is near blasphemy, like heliocentrism or climate change.

Every morning at 5:30 when the alarm starts clanging, we get up. First, I feed the cat so as to avoid the wrath of her talons while exercising. Then, I prepare the living room by moving the couch and coffee table, pulling out our equipment for the day, and inserting the DVD into the hungry Blu Ray player. Nom nom nom.

Incidentally, and completely off topic, I just learned the difference between disc and disk. DVDs and CDs are disc with a C. Floppy disks and hard disks use a K. Disks with a K store information that is read magnetically (like VHS and Cassette tapes). Discs with a C are read optically with a laser. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. Go, Joe!

Where was I? The morning routine.

Then I dress in my headband, tank top, and Richard Simmons shorts. The last thing I do every morning: I take off my wedding ring and I put on my contacts. I put the ring and the contact case into my bathroom drawer. The bathroom sink came with three drawers. Aine lets me use one of them. I do the same things in the same order every morning. It has become routine. I can (and do, actually) do them in my sleep.

Remember that.

Last week, after I got out of the shower and toweled dry after having brought it and done my best and forgotten the rest, I opened my bathroom drawer. No ring. I pulled everything out of the drawer. Still no ring. You can imagine my alarm. Aine told me if I ever lost the ring she would take me back and get a refund. Or at least a store credit.

Of course, I didn't actually remember putting the ring in the drawer. I don't wake up until Tony Horton makes us jog in place for a few minutes. I assume I do the same thing every morning because I do the same thing every morning. I put my ring in the drawer because that is the safest place to put it. A place I know it won't get lost.

Over the course of the day, I searched the house twice. When Aine got home, she searched it once.

I pulled out all the drawers in the bathroom and all various accoutrements under the sink in case the ring spontaneously bounced out of the drawer. I looked on top of every piece of furniture. I looked under and around all the furniture in case I had place the ring somewhere and Pig juggled it onto the floor. I looked in every drawer in the house in case, in my drowsy stupor, I had been mistaken. I looked in the floor vents among the piles of cheddar flavored goldfish and board game pieces. I felt around inside the garbage disposal. I checked under the comforter on the bed. I looked inside the closets in case Pig had whapped it off a table and dribbled it over to a closet and slap-shotted under the door. I searched through the dog's poop in case he ate it. I prodded his stomach to see if there were any hard lumps or sensitive areas. He thought we were playing. I emptied the two trash cans and sifted through Orbit gum wrappers and Kleenex. I pointed a flashlight under the oven and fridge.

Nothing. I searched every inch of the house and Aine searched all the inches again. No ring. I accused Aine of playing a practical joke. She accused me of being an idiot. We both accused the dog of trying to eat cat poop while we were distracted.

We knew the ring could not have left the apartment, but we couldn't find it anywhere in the apartment. It was a mystery. A mystery and a tragedy.

Late that night, getting ready for bed, I opened the drawer in the bathroom. Now, we had both pulled the drawer out of the cabinet completely and emptied it multiple times. However, going to remove my contacts, I looked in the one place neither of us thought to look. Inside my contact lens case cap.

I found my ring again and only had to endure one day of terror and anguish. I showed it to Aine. She said maybe we could stay married after all.

That's all I have for you today. Aine opened a new jug of milk this morning, which means Pig has a new plastic ring to enjoy. She dropped it on the desk a few minutes ago and I ignored her. Now she's standing with her back paws on the table and her front paws on my chest, meowing in my face.

Piglet is the alpha male of this household.